Framing the Sound

Category: Marriage

  • No, it doesn’t look good there!

    I get that quite often from my wife when I suggest most any decorating idea. And this goes for outside decorations too, places she has flower beds are off limits to any planting idea I might present to her. “No, they’ll look like little soldiers lined up for inspection,” she’ll say when I suggest a row of zinnias here or there. Or, “No, hanging it that way doesn’t fit with how the rest of the room is decorated.”

    There must be something wrong with how I look at things. I had my eyes checked this year and, yes, I needed new glasses. I was also told that I have cataracts, but they’re not quite bad enough yet for removal, or are they? Could that be the reason my deco ideas don’t carry much weight? I don’t think so.

    I think it’s 34 years of marriage. Yes, that’s why I don’t have any interior/exterior decorating skills. But I decorated my recording studio all by myself. And I have a few garden beds where I can plant what I want, however I want.

    I think my straight row of zinnias look nice, and so does the framed photo I have hanging “that way” on the wall in my studio. Even if I’m the only one who thinks so.

    I reckon I’ll have those cataracts removed.

    Spiders can’t decorate either

  • You Go First

    How many times have you either said that to someone, or been told that by someone? I bet more than once for each. Probably more times during your childhood. But as I’ve aged, that question has been randomly coming to mind.

    Many years ago my older brother asked me this existential question: if I could choose to die first so that I wouldn’t be here for all the mourning, or be second and feel the grief and suffering of my wife passing instead of her feeling that pain for me if I died first, would I choose to go first or second?

    Yes, that might seem to be a rather morbid question to ask, and I don’t remember (many years ago in this instance was probably 40+ or more) what my brother and I were discussing before he asked but it’s one of those hypotheticals that when you chew on it for a while really starts to have merit.

    There are those who face death bravely, not fearing what may or may not lie on the other side. They may not even know if there is another side. And there are many who may not have had the chance to look death in the eye before passing. And some know their end is near and joyfully accept it, expecting and knowing of a wondrous afterlife.

    I’ve been by myself at home for five days while my wife is away with our daughter. A destination wedding seems to be popular these days. During this time alone I’ve been thinking about my upcoming 69th trip around the sun. I’ve also had the “you go first or second” question pop up a time or two. I try to answer it, and tell myself there’s really no right or wrong answer.

    Going first seems to be a more selfless answer, knowing that my wife would get to enjoy a longer life. Heading that way second seems like a selfish decision. What about going first together? That’s another existential question that deserves merit I think.

  • Need vs. Want

    I’ve asked myself that question many times and it’s a tough one to answer. You’ve probably heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:

    • Physiological needs – water, food, shelter, etc.
    • Safety needs – personal security, employment, health.
    • Love and Belonging – family, friends, intimacy.
    • Esteem – respect, self-esteem, status.
    • Self-actualization – the desire to be all you can be.

    It’s quite interesting that Maslow narrowed it down to five crucial needs, but when you look at each separately there’re many facets of what a need truly is. And each of us have many different kinds of needs that are individually important.

    I might need a new pair of shoes, but my old ones still fit regardless of the fact that one has a hole in the sole. You could say this isn’t really a need, it’s a want because no one can see the hole. The shoe still fits perfectly and if I avoid walking where there might be glass or other sharp objects, the shoe still does what a shoe does.

    Wants are far more subjective than needs which makes them harder to identify because they’re more personal to how we want to live and what living comfortably means. A new pair of shoes would make me feel better about myself because, well, they’re new and maybe more noticeable and folks might think I’m pretty hip because I’m wearing the latest style.

    On the other hand, my need for a new pair becomes a lot more relevant than wearing the latest style if I’m sitting at a restaurant, with my leg on top of my knee and the shoe with the hole in the sole is visible. I’m sure folks who notice would think to themselves “that fella needs a new pair of shoes.”

    I was discussing this need/want topic with my wife recently who’s thinking about purchasing a want. We’re both retired, and unfortunately haven’t met the “$1,000,000” figure often mentioned (as a need for retirement) by financial planners. I look for reasons to justify a want purchase by looking at our needs. Have all five been met?

    If you can answer yes, then I say go ahead with the want purchase. If you’re like us, you’ll have a common sense discussion and come to a mutual agreement. Or not. (I just thought I needed to add that little negaitve aspect whether I wanted to or not.)

    My new pair of barefoot shoes by Hike that I’ve wanted for some time but didn’t need.

  • Someone

    There’s a selfless rhythm required when enmeshing yourself with another person.

    (Justin Vernon)

    34 years being enmeshed with someone is weirdly like being enmeshed with yourself, if you play your cards right. You can pretty much do what you want as long as you’re not hurting yourself, mentally or physically.

    The one enmeshed can also benefit from such a long relationship. They know that you know them pretty well and they figure you’d not do anything that would ruin a good enmeshment.

    Yes, that’s a weird way of describing what it’s like being married for 34 years. But I think you could say that marriage is an enmeshing of two souls that, ideally, remain so after however many years till death do you part.

    I like to think that my inner rhythm has been atuned to the one enmeshed for these past 34 years. I must admit that it gets a little out of tune sometimes. That’s when the going gets tough but the tough get going.

    On April 6th, I’ll celebrate the 34th year of what has been a very fulfilling enmeshment. I think she would agree.

    Attuned to each other’s rhythm